Through the looking glass

People see things differently. No two people will stand on top of a mountain and see the exact same view, or look out to the horizon from the beach and see the same scene ahead. There will be similarities, but the way you see something is unique to your past experience, your current frame of mind, your preferences and your level of attention. There is a relationship between the differences in people’s perception and conflict. Seeing things differently alone is not enough to create conflict, but an unwillingness to see something else, an inflexibility towards another point of view coupled by a lack of communication and understanding feeds divisions as small as minor disagreements right through to world wars, and everything in the middle.

I remember in high school our biology teacher dividing the class with a simple optical illusion. A black and white image was held up for all to see, followed by a simple question. ‘How old is the woman in this picture?’

‘Young’ was the first answer. This was met with agreement from some and confusion from others, who looked quizzically at their classmates and asked how on earth they could call this old woman, young. They firmly believed in what they were seeing, and they were seeing an old woman. ‘Look at her nose’, they would say, ‘it is like a witch’s nose’ This would be met with annoyance and sarcasm from those who firmly believed what they saw in the image. ‘I don’t know what witches you grew up with, but this woman has nothing like a witch’s nose. It is the complete opposite. It is petite.’ And on and on it went. Until with pure frustration, someone jumped out of their chair and stormed to the front of the class and pointed angrily at what they saw as the nose of the old woman. This was met with some people suddenly seeing both old and young, and quickly explaining that the old woman’s nose is actually the chin of the young woman. The young woman’s ear, the eye of the old woman. The petite nose of the young woman, the old woman’s other eye. The young woman’s necklace, the old woman’s mouth. Piece by piece both images were revealed until most of the class could see both.

I often try to think of this image when I face conflict with someone. Try to remember the old and young woman to remind myself that there are always two points of view. That what I am seeing in a situation, may not be what the other person is perceiving. That there is a disconnect between how we are seeing things, and there is never only one way of looking at something. And sometimes what we see isn’t really what it is. Sometimes we have to look beyond the reflection our sense of self. Sometimes we need to go beyond the looking glass. Like Alice, go through the mirror to the other side, to see what the world can really be. To understand that our judgement can cloud our vision. Our fear can confuse us. Our love and hope can drive us to see what we desperately want to see, or don’t want to see. Regardless of the reality. Shifting perception is often in the morals of the fairytales we were raised on. The frog prince couldn’t possibly be worth loving, he couldn’t be our prince charming, yet he was. And grandma couldn’t possibly be a wolf in disguise and yet he was.

I have found giving space to conflict works best in allowing someone the time and distance needed to shift their perception, and for me to move mine. When I was younger, I wanted to resolve conflict the instant it happened. I wasn’t frightened of facing it, but it felt unbearable for it to hang between people, unresolved. I have come to realise, this desperate need to fix things can sometimes make it worse and actually extend the divide, sometimes to a point of no return.

Eckhart Tolle in his book The New Earth recommends against resisting conflict and trying to fight it. He recommends giving inner space to things, letting go of the story we tell ourselves (that is, to fight like ducks who briefly flap their wings and then move on). He explains how meeting opposition with conflict simply builds the opposition. It gives it more power. Whereas walking away from it, giving it some space, it often will dissipate or resolve itself. Or you will, through having space, find a way forward and usually one that is amicable to both parties. I have put this into practice. An experiment to begin with, to see what would happen. And not only did things resolve suitably, but it was a much more pleasant way for things to land where they needed to. The trick was, however, not worrying about the resolution while giving it the space. Worrying fills voids, and it is the void which is needed for the resolution to arise. This is no longer an experiment for me, but a way forward.

This technique is also true in resolving inner conflict, which is often the result of a misaligned perception of self. Of illusions we hold firmly. Opportunities are missed in life when we think we are not deserving or good enough for them. Suffering can be prolonged in life, when our perception of our self image does not match our ego’s desire. Letting go of the conflict, and shifting our perception is often the way forward to resolve these limits we place on ourselves.

Our perception of how things are, can have a huge impact on our relationships. Sometimes quite negatively. And yet, shifting them, and being open to seeing another point of view, working to understand and celebrate differences can solve things quite effortlessly. Dr Gary Chapman’s book, Five Love Languages illustrates how. According to Chapman the five love languages are: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. And all of us have two dominant ways in which we show our love and like to receive it. Where relationships break down between husbands and wives, family members, friends and even work colleagues is often a breakdown of these languages. Where people do not recognise their own language of love preference or the preferences of others.

Speaking with Oprah Winfrey on Super Soul Conversations Chapman speaks to couples who no longer see eye-to-eye and are learning how to through coming to understand each other’s love languages as well as their own. Many people come to the realisation that while they thought their partner did not love them, their partner was actually doing everything through their love language to show their love for them. It just wasn’t connecting as there was a misalignment between their languages. For example, for a couple, it could be that he feels she does not love him because she never hugs him or shows him affection in public, and they don’t spend quality time together. And yet she thinks she was showing him great love through her acts of service and words of affirmation. She may think he really doesn’t loved her anymore due to the fact he never does anything for her or tells her as frequently as she needs to hear, that he loves her. Once they understand each other’s love language, they can see the acts of love and appreciate them, even though they are a different way of expressing it compared to what comes naturally to each of them. They can see things the way their partner sees things. They can achieve a shared perception, and the conflict and anxiety around their relationship dissipates. Seems obvious, but it clearly isn’t, or Chapman’s book wouldn’t be a universal best seller which has sold over 5 million copies and has been translated into 38 languages.

So, next time you find yourself in conflict with someone, make some space to think about the fact that their perception is different from yours, and to remind yourself that this does not make it wrong. That what you see as a young woman’s chin, they may see as an old woman’s witch-like nose. Give the conflict some space and give yourself some inner space from it, and let the resolution find you. And perhaps, take some time to consider the language preferences of the person you are having the conflict with.

There is always an inner sense of delight and enlightenment when we utter the words, ‘I never thought of it that way’ upon seeing something from a different point of view. Like when you discover the answer to those crazy brain teasers which were, for some reason, a fad in the 1990s. You know the ones. They go something like this.

Dora was found dead on the floor with a puddle of water and pieces of broken glass around her.
The doors in the house are locked except for the window which is open.
No one broke into the house or killed her. How did Dora die?

I will leave you to ponder this puzzle. To look at it, and life, and yourself, beyond the looking glass, from the other side. To see things inside-out, from a fresh understanding.