Quiet confidence

In early December, I will be part of a panel for a sessions at the Women in Leadership Summit presented by the Women Leaders Institute. The panel is talking about cultivating confidence - overcoming self doubt and the imposter syndrome. I am really looking forward to the Summit and the opportunity to be part of it. The panel topic prompted me to think about confidence, and unpack it in my mind a little.

Confidence is often spoken of as something people are born with. In a way that suggests some people are made with confidence, and others are made without it. Like you don’t have a choice. It is just genetic lottery as to what you get. But confidence isn’t a genetic trait. It is not something you inherit from your grandmother on your mum’s side, or your favourite aunty. Confidence is a skill. A slow burning, long lasting skill. One you develop over time, with practice, patience and persistence. One that never fades once you master it. Confidence is something anyone can learn, just like dancing. And as with dancing, there are a number of elements to determine how proficient you become at this skill. For dance it is your sense of rhythm, how flexible you are and your ability to move in unison with others. For confidence it is much the same.

‘Everything in the universe has a rhythm, everything dances.’ Maya Angelou

To grow your confidence it helps if you can develop a sense of rhythm. To be tuned in to the rhythm of the world around you as well as your own. Being aware of your own beat helps you work out where your boundaries are on any particular day, how bold you might be and the level of risk you are willing to take. Confidence is often about trusting yourself. Believing in yourself. Knowing yourself. So knowing and trusting your rhythm, paying attention to it in life is an integral part.

When you know the rhythm of your heartbeat, you know what makes it swell with joy compared to what makes it beat with anger or anxiety. Move towards the things that give you a steady beat as your heart fills with pleasure, the things which spark joy. And remember, your heart isn’t the only indicator, it is also your energy. You can often feel it when the rhythm is right or not. Feel the rhythm of your instincts telling you something is good, something will work. Or perhaps your gut and the tingling of your skin warning you something is of concern. I have worked in teams where an idea has been put on the table and you just know it is going to work, you just feel it. Everyone feels it. You feel it in your soul. You just know.

So, confidence is about listening and trusting your instincts. Noticing and paying attention to your rhythm at any given time. Sometimes we want to dance really fast out the front. And other times we just want to take it slow. Sometimes we even want to sit down, just for one song, and watch the dance floor of life, rather than busting a move or two with everybody else.

How you move through life, will determine the quality of your confidence. Whether your confidence is obvious, or subtle. Loud or quite. Jarring or smooth. Soft or harsh. And moving through life without generosity of spirit, that is, confidence without compassion, is not confidence at all, it is simply arrogance. Without kindness confidence crosses the line to become something completely different. And it isn’t just about showing kindness to others, it is also about having some compassion for yourself. The most confident people I know, all live their lives with an extremely healthy dose of compassion towards everyone, including themselves. This is when confidence becomes admirable.

‘The human capacity for burden is like bamboo - far more flexible than you’d ever believe at first glance.’ Jodi Picoult

Almost 25 years ago, I went to a conference where we were given a beautiful diary and inside the front cover pocket was a thick rubber band. This rubber band was a visual cue for people to use that day, during the workshops, and beyond, when we all left the conference, to be flexible. Flexible in response to whatever life threw at you. The good and the bad. The uplifting and the burden. Since that day, wherever I have worked, I have always had sitting on the base of my computer monitor stand a rubber band. And I have always kept one in my paper-based diary. A visual reminder to be flexible, keep being flexible and to practice flexibility. Some days, I really need that reminder. I have even sometimes sat down after a meeting, seen the rubber band and realised I hadn’t been flexible at all, and so have taken some time, playing with the rubber band in my hand, considering what different approach I might take to someone or something, stretching myself like the rubber band, to be flexible. To change shape. To change direction.

Confidence, like dance, requires flexibility. And the more flexible you are, the better you are at dancing. This correlation between flexibility and dance, is the same for flexibility and confidence levels. Confidence requires flexibility. You have to be willing and able to change directions or the shape of things, including yourself. And just like stretching your body on a regular basis leads to improved flexibility, so does stretching your soul. Confidence requires you to get out of your comfort zone. To face terror barriers and jump over to the other side. To jump in and swim. To have an open mind. But don’t confuse being flexible with being malleable. A door mat is not flexible. The art of being flexible is knowing when to hold strong and when to let go. The art of flexibility is knowing not to overstretch yourself. It is your responsibility to be aware of the limits of your flexibility.

‘None of us, including me ever do great things. We can all do small things, with great love, and together we can do something wonderful.’ Mother Teresa

I have learnt that when listening to or feeling the rhythm around you, it is important to listen or feel how in unison you are with it. This will tell you if you are in the right place. When your rhythm, and the rhythm of a friendship group or workplace is out of sync, you have to trust yourself to stand up for your beliefs, to walk away or work towards a unifying solution. I seek places to work and create, where my moral compass is a match with the organisation’s moral compass. Where our values are in alignment. Where we are marching to the beat of the same drum. Where we are in unison. Our rhythms in sync. Complementary. Where we lift each other up.

Confidence is not a solo dance number. It is a dance where everyone has a role to play at different times in the choreography. Confidence requires collaboration to flourish.